Poly Patao Productions (P3)

I.

When I was a child, I prayed for “them”

Them

Those things that separated the little girls from desirable womanhood

Papa Dios, if you give them to me, I promise…

Te lo prometo que…

I’ll be a good girl

He never answered

I kept praying

And other girls continued to exceed

In comparison

To me

I’d listen to and implement action to remedy my lack of these

Examining, probing pinching and hoping to catch up

I wore my 1^st training bra when I was 10

Didn’t need to though

My nipples barely puffed out

To be noticed

II

He rubbed them so completely

Using the palm of his hands

To explore

Circular motions

My chest rose and fell

With each deep breath of excitement

It was the 1^st time they were touched

With my wanting

I wondered if he’d want to touch them again

Or touch another 12-year olds­­­–

Whose heaves ASCEND higher than mine

III.

They dripped constantly

Ached

That was the biggest they have ever been

CLEAVAGE!

There was no hiding them

I had grown accustomed to having so little

In this life

That I felt “sexy” un-comfortability

They had become a focal point

I was no longer “me”

I became “them”

My voluptuous breasts were my identity marker

For men

At 18 I found myself propelled to exhibit this un-comfortability

A point I had to make

Nursing in public was under attack

We took our stand

Sitting on the trains, in parks and on buses

We took our stand

Against sexual men who could not

Hold it in their pants

We took a stand

We laid bare

Our children fed

And men found a way to keep their sexual sanity

In the mists of naked protest

IV.

I decided to burn my bras!

I walked about exposed

Dark nipples grazed white tanks

I felt power

I choose this form of protest

Deliverance

My 20’s were filled with rallies, organizing and clenched fists rising

Bouncy, bra-less dykes

Who didn’t give a fuck

About how men felt

About it

These things

Our collective things

I am elated

Free

V.

In my 30’s gravity had begun

The aftermath of nursing

Had depleted the density of the curves

But it had not depleted my want for these things

Sports bras are what I used

Then

Exhibition CLOSED!

The push-up

Under-wire

The non-existent barrier

Between the world and myself

Shifted

I eliminated the inevitable bounce

And the onset of sag

They were nicely compacted

But I unwillingly reinstated the focal point

Masculinity added a questionable gaze

Confusion

They were to be viewed

Examined

Violently feared

I grew confused by my relationship to them

Others confused me

The molding of them

Up and out

Accepted

My new molding of them,

Tight

Condensed

Less revealing

Unsafe

Unsafely tucked away

VI.

Here I am

40 and beyond

I’m not supposed to like these things

Anymore

We proclaim untruths

A re-telling

Re- learning of gender and sex

We proclaim that the body dictates NOT who we are

I experience this untruth

Because I am brushed aside

Erased

My body cracked open

Exposed to probing eyes

Intrusive questions

Validity needed here

I have these things that I do not hate

I feel no need to terminate

Binder on

I am trans

Binder off

I am

Questionable yet again

We speak lies of fluidity

We utter it as a possibility

A utopia that is never reached

Most travel to the edges

Some pushed

They fall because of this

Falsely reconstructing the constructed

I visit these places

I do not want to stay

I am most comfortable navigating the waves

These things that live upon me

My body

Are my power and my weakness

Time has changed their purpose

Changed my love

Discomfort

My acceptance of them

These wonderful

Sexual

Scary

Powerful

Sagging

Stretched-marked

Depleted…

These things

These things that live upon my body

I have to say that Jimmy Jane is one of my favorite toy companies. Jimmy Jane makes quality high-end toys. If you want a toy that packs power, is backed by a 3-year warranty, is body safe, waterproof, quiet, rechargeable and powerful. Then, look no further. Jimmy Jane is the creator of a variety of vibrators including but not limited to the Form 2 (my favorite), the Form 3, 4 and 6. All pack a super strong vibration that you’d expect from something you plug into the wall. The Form 2 and 3 are external toys. The Form 4 and 6 work either externally or internally.

I’m usually a connoisseur of anything curved for g-spot stimulation so I was skeptical about using the Form 4 internally. I found that the vibration was strong enough to get off on. I do have to say that I enjoyed this toy more so anally. It is not promoted as an anal toy but of course I stuck it in–knowing it would not get sucked into outer space. The body of the toy is curvy enough to act as a flared base. My ass totally pulsated to the 5 power levels and 4 vibration modes. I think I’ll keep this vibe in my anal toy draw.

For Immediate Release                               Contact: Jen Heitel Yakush
February 14, 2012                                      202.265.2405 / jyakush@siecus.org

“We commend the President for expressing his continued commitment to more comprehensive approaches to sex education and to providing young people with the information they need about pregnancy, HIV, and STI prevention so they can make healthy and responsible decisions about their sexual health,” said Monica Rodriguez, President and CEO of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS). “The President recently called for an “AIDS Free Generation” and we at SIECUS know this cannot be achieved without educating young people and creating a sexually health America. We are particularly pleased with the commitment from the President and the CDC to school health and restoring funding for the Division of Adolescent and School Health.”

Please contact Jen Heitel Yakush with any questions or comments at (202) 265-2405 or jyakush@siecus.org.

Poly Patao Productions would like to give a huge thank  you to The Pleasure Chest NYC for becoming its official sponsor. The Pleasure Chest will provide P3 play parties with lube, condoms, give-aways and raffle prizes. FYI, our next play party is on May 12, 2012. Help us celebrate National Masturbation Month with our PHUK IT! play party. This months theme is “Spank Bank Realities.”

Poly Patao Productions is happy to accept The Pleasure Chest’s sponsorship and to form a sex positive alliance with a great business. The Pleasure Chest celebrated 40 years in the community and has become a wonderfully recognized advocate for a shame-free, desire-filled experience in-store and out.

Since 1971, The Pleasure Chest has helped pioneer a sex positive culture, with an emphasis on education, enjoyment and inclusivity. For 40 years, we’ve been a resource for the best products and the most accurate information to make your life sexier. Along the way, we’ve appeared on Sex & The City and Entourage and even shown up in the lyrics of a Queen song. With stores in New York, Chicago and Los Angeles, we offer every customer a specialized experience in a judgment-free environment, a huge variety of toys and a regular series of free workshops to promote healthy, pleasurable and fulfilling sex for everyone.

Please support the PC as they have been supporting others. The Pleasure Chest is indeed a store where anyone can feel comfortable whether it’s buying your 1st dildo or getting your 10th. The PC serves a wide community base that goes beyond gender and class but also, race and age. It serves young people 18 and over. It serves couples, the BDSM community, single folks, sex industry workers, students, seniors and more. The Pleasure Chest caters to a diverse clientele. It nurtures their diversity and commonalities in various ways but especially with their educational component. The Pleasure Chest was one of the pioneers in creating and facilitating free workshops for the community. They have a clear understanding that their store is not just a sex toy shop but goes beyond that to help foster healthy and positive sex lives for all. The Pleasure Chest offers free workshops every week and range in topics. In-house Sex Specialists and visiting educators teach, lecture and interact with the community to help continue to maintain The Pleasure Chest’s mission.

Since 1971, The Pleasure Chest has firmly believed that everyone
has a fundamental right to pursue sexual fulfillment. We support our
community’s sexual growth and exploration by providing a fun,
educational and specialized experience.

In addition to free workshops, PC continues to be a strong supporter and sponsor to many events in the community. They are committed to community networking and creating healthy relationships with groups, organizations and individuals. I’d like to thank The Pleasure Chest for doing the work they do and for supporting the work of Poly Patao Productions.

Sexual Liberation for all!!!

*A Fictional, fantasy, taboo infused work-in-progress involving the idea and practice of incest play and Father/daughter love.

I’ve told myself that the existence of leather is a new contemplation for me. It’s as if it just appeared into my adult life. It deliciously smothers bodies, drapes tight around implements of torture and is a common thread of improper connections; of which I am proudly a part of. Of course, this contemplation of leather is in part false. It’s not new; in fact it’s matured. The thought of leather, in reality, has traveled. It brings me to moments of my youth when I was a girl.

I’m the last born of three. The nice little nenita who’s grown up into some of the nice, all of the weird, battling sexual demons, straddling gender anomalies and residing in a trans Two-Spirit identity. I’m not a lady. I’m not a man either but I relish in those rare moments when I’m “Sir”-ed. So I rarely speak of the girl­­—the little girl I used to be for fear that my present self would be erased. I’ve learned that no matter what I express now, that young girl resurfaces and she is strong. The thought of leather resuscitates her and she cannot be ignored. The thought of leather or the feelings brought about by leather, invokes flashes of picture perfect story lines I’ve been ashamed to tell…until today.

The feeling always takes me to the hallway closet of the apartment I grew up in. It’s the closet my family used to hang our jackets, coats and store our sweaters. The closet my parents shared was overrun by my mother’s stuff, so my Pa had to use that closet instead. He’s a simple man. He didn’t need much space. His closet half empty with jeans, white T’s, work boots, short sleeve-button down-shirts called guayaberas, sweaters and his leather jacket. In fact the feeling brings me beyond the hallway closet and straight to him.

I was intrigued with my Pa! I wanted to be with him always. I’d wait for him at the threshold of our apartment. I’d listen for the elevator to slowly creep to a halt and open up. He’d waft out and walk quickly toward the apartment–toward me. Efficient, stern and quick–– he was, I’d hear the rustle of the leather jacket I’d often try on. It draped over me heavily. The arms hanging low to the ground. The body puffed out on the sides. I was lost and held secure by it. I anticipated with one flip-flopped foot in the house and the other cheating the threshold line. My right eye tried desperately to defy biology. I thought I could will-it to curve just a little to see Pa walking, without being seen. Rather than biological defiance, my body, not my eye, curved and popped out revealing myself to him. Excited, I’d run to him. Pa always acted surprised for my benefit. He’d whip his cool police-shades off, drop to one knee and wait for my powerful pounce and embrace. I sunk into his body, his jacket. Life was pumped into my lungs as I took in the merging of scents–leather, beer and cigarettes. That was his essence–his machismo.  Papi was everything! He kind of looked like a Latino Wolf Man Jack–full beard, mustache and a head full of wavy hair bordering an Afro. He scooped me up into his strong arms to walk me the rest of the way to our front door. I’d nestle my small nose in the crook of his neck and the horizon of the leather collar. I felt safe. That strength and safety embraced me for years.

My dad was a blue-collar hard worker. Pa worked his last job for 25 years. Twenty -two years at the site where the towers once stood and the remaining 3 elsewhere– after they were taken down. He worked the night shift. He arrived home every night after midnight. My siblings and I would already be tucked away in bed but none-the-less Pa had a ritual to complete. He’d smoke a cigarette out front before entering the apartment complex, rode the elevator up, entered our home and b-lined it to our rooms–– first checking on my brother and ending with my sister and I. For years, I thought he only checked in on me. I was the baby of the house and his special bebe. His scent would claim the room as he cracked the door to peer in. I’d always wake up to it. Eyes heavy with grit, holding my arms high up into the air to steal some hard hugs and float back to sleep.

Those leather, beer and smoke infused hugs and late night check-ins dwindled, as I got older.  Mami told me once that Pa stopped hugging me because he wanted to be respectful of my maturing body. My heart was broken. I thought I’d always be his little girl. I missed the drift of him in my room, my face nesting on his shoulder and my nose dug deep into leather and neck. I longed for that safety–that love.

I’ve been on a quest for that. A quest for love, strength, dedication and safety I received from my Papi. Since then, that sweet, excited girl has evolved and the remembrance of my Pa in all his hunkiness, leather and love has come to a new fruition. I have proudly taken hold of the Electra Complex and molded it to get me off and hang me off edges of psychological play. I live my life as an in-control, confident person but at night, in the dark and in secret, I have delved deep into the girl. She has gone through many transformations as a victim, vulnerable, needy, loving, nasty and manipulative. The thought of leather pin-points the mapping of my sick desires and allows me to take that journey. I consent to it!

I re-write, re-imagine, re-live and revel in Father/daughter love. This taboo offers me what I long for and need. It gives me those moments––those lovely moments, tender and real. I soak those moments with new desire–a construction of memories and yearning. Shifting reality about the training bra Pa never saw me in, the panties he never sniffed and the pampers he never tore off to get to me. I twist and probe the darkest reaches of my psyche to grasp onto what scares me the most, what makes me vulnerable and what makes me hard. It delves in obscenity, harbors sinful fantasies and borders a truth. Being a little girl had been my secret. The fact that her existence rests firmly on incestuous taboo is but a small detail.

Psst! Wanna do something fun? Wanna help a cause by doing it? Yes? Well this is a win/ win situation! Queers for Economic Justice is holding their annual fundraising event “The Amazingly Queer Race” on May 19, 2012. If you like healthy, silly competition and you want to support a wonderful organization, sign up now! The Race will take participants on a journey around the city finding clues and solving a puzzle–all in the name of economic justice! You can create your own team, volunteer or donate. There are so many ways to be involved.

Why am I asking you to support QEJ? Well, I’m one of the founding board members of this outstanding organization. I believe in the work it continues to do and our queer community is better off because of them. QEJ was talking about the intersections of  queers, welfare and poverty before anyone had language around it.

Check out their website, sign up for the race and get involved now!

Queers for Economic Justice is a progressive non-profit organization committed to promoting economic justice in a context of sexual and gender liberation.

Our goal is to challenge and change the systems that create poverty and economic injustice in our communities, and to promote an economic system that embraces sexual and gender diversity.

We are committed to the principle that access to social and economic resources is a fundamental right, and we work to create social and economic equity through grassroots organizing, public education, advocacy and research.

We do this work because although poor queers have always been a part of both the gay rights and economic justice movements, they have been, and continue to be, largely invisible in both movements.

This work will always be informed by the lived experiences and expressed needs of queer people in poverty.

INTRO

I am a strong believer in accountability. Holding others and myself to a standard is important and takes the commitment of well-intended community folks to create a productive process of accountability.

I enacted a process of accountability for myself, to supporters of my work, my chosen family and the community at large. Through this process, one cannot access themselves solely.  One needs the assessment of others and within that, growth and positive change can occur. I’d like to share a story…

PART1

Once upon a time I was a confident sex educator who loved in life, taught people about sexy sex, kink, radical relationships and all the wonderful complex ways to work towards this beauty.

Sex education and forming community, creating events and formulating political thought around it became a huge part of my life. This beauty was something that I had never thought I could experience. When I was a child and as a young adult, I unfortunately experienced trauma to my body, mind and spirit of a forced sexual nature.  These experiences propelled me into unhealthy forms of expressing love and sex. Years of trial and error, struggle and therapy helped to create a new direction and healthy view of what sex, sexual expression, relationships, and getting there could look like. This excited me very much and I worked hard to find and sustain this beauty within myself.

I had taught myself to recognize the things that caused me pain, triggered memories of past trauma and the things that didn’t allow for me to make my own choices. I found creative ways to create rules for myself and for those around me to understand, accept and heed to. This was an amazing feat for me. It made me feel powerful, in control and present in my own body. No longer did I have to disassociate with the beauty, soar out of my own body, lack agency and feel dirty. This was a fine day for me.

I felt I had made it! The beauty became so wonderfully big that I wanted to share it with my own community. Feeling indestructible in my new found power, I felt I had attained sexual liberation and went on to teach others about this magnanimous beauty.

Unfortunately, the story doesn’t end here. This, of course, is no fairy tale. It’s about a wrong that I have done and need to right….

PART 2

I helped organize an intimate play party in which I set the rules as I always do.

Some of which are to drink responsibly and use safer sex materials.

I broke those rules. I drank and went way passed my limit and blacked out.

I am disgusted and ashamed with my actions.

I am so fearful that I will loose credibility in the work I have done on consent and boundary setting and I am terrified that I have pushed my survivor work back so far that I have damaged myself.

I demolished a sense of a safer space and I was instrumental in violating my own boundaries and mental health*

PART 3

My work has greatly revolved around boundary setting, agency and consent. This holds very important to me as a survivor, a sex(uality) educator, a parent and as a person seen in the world as a woman. I gravely broke my own boundaries, put myself at risk, put my name and work in jeopardy and within that tragic event, learned something about myself. I learned that there is more work to be done.

I lost something along the path of sexual liberation. I often tell folks that no one ever becomes an anti-racist, an anti-sexist or becomes sexually liberated. It is a life long path we journey on. I apologize for stepping off my journey.

I have communicated and reached out to many folks to aid in setting my intentions to do work necessary to make amends. I want to share with you some of the steps in my accountability process.

*I contacted my chosen family for guidance, accountability steps and support.

*I contacted folks at the event to apologize for breaking my own rules and offering myself for folks to contact me regarding my behavior.

*I have called upon fellow sex educators for guidance

*I will be making clearer announcements about alcohol at my parties and even considering making them dry events.

*Until I decide though, I will not be drinking. I will “out” my behavior to participants to use myself as an example regarding consent and I will be having 2 other people work alongside me to be monitors at said events.

*I will be re-visiting therapy

*Finally, I intended to “out” my behavior in a more public forum by creating this blog post.

PART 4

I am pleased that in my communication with folks, I have gotten helpful, direct and honest feedback. I thank you all for that. I have taken this very seriously and I am embarking on yet another crossing in my life’s work. Although scary to open up old/ past wounds, I see it as quite necessary in order to follow a righteous path of what I have spent years building.

I apologize to those who held me to a standard that I faltered. I apologize for forgetting. I apologize for causing any damage. I appreciate you all taking the time to read, taking in and respond if need be. I accept the consequences associated with my actions.

My journey continues…

Ignacio Rivera aka Papí Coxxx

*Partial quotes from letter sent to chosen family and participants of the event.

There is so much to share with you all. Here are a bunch of wonderful releases and forthcoming writings you should have on your radar….Sexual liberation for all!!!

New adult comedy “Mommy is Coming“, by Cheryl Dunye and Sarah Schulman was released in Berlin at the Berlinale Film Festival this past February. I had to privilege of attending the premier and it was amazing. I was so happy to be a part of this project. We are hoping to have a viewing in NYC in April. Cross your fingers.

MOMMY IS COMING is raunchy queer sex filled romance set in the international creative melting pot Berlin. A take on screwball romantic comedies, director Cheryl Dunye (THE WATERMELON WOMAN, STRANGER INSIDE, THE OWLS) adds sexual imagery to her ingenious form of storytelling. Structured like an off beat fairy tale, we follow Claudia, Dylan and Helen as they bumble their way through hotels, queer Berlin nightlife, and their hearts only to realize that in matters of love it sometimes pays to listen to your Mommy.

Tristan Taormino‘s new book “The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role play and Erotic edge“  is out in bookstores. There are so many fantastic contributions to this book. I’m happy to finally have a copy of it. Check out my piece called “Age role play.”

This is more than just a guide to kink, it’s more than a sex manual. Editor Tristan Taormino has brought the players, thinkers and rock stars of the kink scene and together they have created a book that not only lets people know where to start, but why to start, and what they’ll get out of it. Vanillas, novices, old hands, old guard—everyone can learn from this collection.” —Dan Savage Award-winning author, filmmaker and sex educator Tristan Taormino presents this bold and sexy treasury that runs the gamut from expert tutorials on kinky erotic practices to thought-provoking essays that delve into complex questions about desire, power and pleasure. The Ultimate Guide to Kink features the expertise of renowned educators writing passionately on their favorite subjects, including Patrick Califia, Midori, Laura Antoniou, Barbara Carrellas, Lee Harrington, Jack Rinella, Lolita Wolf, Madison Young, Hardy Haberman, Felice Shays, Ignacio Rivera, Sarah Sloane, Mollena Williams, FifthAngel and Edge.

Coming soon…Be on the look out for:

The release of “Orgy Fuckfest” produced by Slanted Tendency. It should be on-line and ready to watch by the end of March. You’ll see the likes of Trick, Jiz Lee, Chocolate Chip and me in this very sexy, super hot POC -orgy-thon.

Queer Porn TV’s “Fuckstyles” is a compilation of some very hot shoots. Of course I got to work with the one and only Jiz Lee and our chemistry is to hot for words.

We gathered our favorite queer porn stars together to make a hard core porno mix tape just for you! We gave these babes complete freedom to be their nasty selves, and they gave us rough sex, double penetration, anal sex, pussy eating, blow jobs, strap ons, finger banging, squirting, POV, masturbation, doggy style, romance.. and loads and loads of real orgasms!! This is the kind of sex queer porn celebrities love to have – and you get to watch! This DVD has it all: cool queer babes, gushing wet orgasms, and great chemistry!

Take a look at the nasty happenings in suite 111 in the release of “Hotel” from Juicy Pink Box Productions.

Spy on our stars in Suite 111 at the JUICY PINK BOX HOTEL. Delores Haze and Rozen Debowe play rough in bed while on vacation in TOURIST. Ela Darling delights in a pre-wedding romp with Papí Coxxx in BACHELORETTE. Ela returns in NEWLYWEDS for a morning-after romp with her new bride, Annabelle Lee. Calico Lane cheats on her husband with Nikki Hearts in ADULTERY. Come enjoy a deliciously voyeuristic experience in HOTEL.

Coming out later on..

“In Search of” will be one of the stories you’ll read in “Perverts of Color.” I am happy to be one of the many contributing writers for this particular anthology .

The voices of US racial minorities in alternative sexual communities are important but often unheard. The Perverts of Color anthology is a collection of voices from people of color (POCs) who participate in alternative sexual and relationship practices which include but are not limited to: S&M, D/s, leather, kink, fetishism, polyamory, and swinging.

Trans Bodies Trans Selves: a resource guide for the transgender community.” I am so pleased to have been able to write a small piece in Trans bodies which ironically enough is called “The Trans Body.”

Trans Bodies, Trans Selves is a resource guide for the transgender population, covering health, legal issues, cultural and social questions, history, theory, and more. It is a place for transgender and gender-questioning people, their partners and families, students, professors, guidance counselors, and others to look for up-to-date information on transgender life. Each chapter will be written by a separate transgender or genderqueer author, but to provide consistency of layout, message and tone, authors will be given guidelines and will work closely with the editor. The book will be aimed at a general transgender and gender-questioning audience, and when using complicated language, will provide definitions and explanations. The tone will be friendly and fun, and will promote trans-positive, feminist and genderqueer advocacy. Included in each section will be anonymous quotes from everyday transgender people, who will be interviewed and also surveyed electronically, so that their voices are heard throughout. Short opinion pieces and testimonials (1-2 pages long) will also be included in each chapter. Finally, each chapter will contain references to resources such as books, movies, and organizations related to the chapter’s topic.

Be sure to check these all out, tell a friend and let me know what you think. Thank you all for your support!

Work Smarter, Not Harder: A Sexual Health Workshop for Sex Workers
March 13, 2012, 7:00pm – 8:30pm
Cost: FREE

Sarah Elspeth Patterson is a sexual health consultant and sexuality educator based in Brooklyn, New York, who firmly believes that all individuals in the sex trade, whether there by choice, circumstance or coercion, are deserving of non-judgmental health and social services. She co-bottomlines the Educational Team for the Sex Workers Outreach Project of New York City.

RSVP today! http://swop-nyc.org/wpress/educational-workshops/rsvp-for-our-workshops/

Industry folks James Darling, Maxine Holloway and I get interviewed by Sophi St. James . Read her 1st guest blog post  Queer Ménage à Trois for  Hot Movies for her.