Tag Archives: What they said

Un-FUCK-ABLE? The effects of Testosterone on Man-ginas, Cunts and Holes

21 Oct

Thanks to Courtney Trouble and Jiz Lee today is International Fisting Day! Every year I like to commemorate this wonderful day by fisting as many people as possible and enjoy some hole-filling, heart-pounding, orgasmic punch fucking myself. I share this love of fisting with many and some of those fisting enthusiasts happen to be those on the trans-masculine spectrum, masculine of center, trans, genderqueer, gender non-conforming folks who were identified female at birth. Some of those people happen to be on Testosterone also know as T.  As I’ve shared my new journey on T with friends I’ve been warned about the effects its had on their cunts.

Has T effected your stuff, your innie, bit, hole, cunt, man-gina, whoha, front hole, boi hole, vagina, pussy, vajayjay, junk,or dik? Whatever we call it, there is a dire emergency for those of us on T who like to get fucked– better yet FISTED! Bleeding, discomfort and pain bad enough to cease wonderful penetration. This hasn’t happened to me but it could. The thought of not being able to be entered and filled propelled me to do some research. Here are some remedies to try and stop, reverse or cure the effects that would make us un-fuck-able.

Menopause happens to most people identified female at birth generally in our 40’s. This happens when the ovaries begin a decline in producing estrogen. Well, if you’re taking T, it accelerates that process. Essentially, T reduces estrogen and introduces higher levels of testosterone into the body, allowing for redistribution of body fat, more muscle mass, facial hair growth, possible drop in voice pitch, as well as other changes. The drop of estrogen in the body can cause atrophy, vaginal atrophy or atrophic vaginitis. The walls or your hole become thinner, dryer and inflamed. This can make getting fucked painful–not in the good way. You can also experience, discharge, itching, bleeding during penetration, shortening of the vag canal, continence and possible increase in urinary tract infections. WTF?!

The Mayo Clinic states other ways that estrogen level drops and atrophy can occur 

After menopause

During the years leading up to menopause (perimenopause)

During breast-feeding

After surgical removal of both ovaries (surgical menopause)

After pelvic radiation therapy for cancer

After chemotherapy for cancer

As a side effect of breast cancer hormonal treatment

Other factors that increase atrophy:

Smoking: since smoking affects circulation of the blood, your hole may not be getting enough oxygen. It also decreases natural estrogen in your body. 

No-vag-births: If you’ve never had a vag-child-birth, researchers say you’re more likely to develop atrophy than folks who have.

No sexual activity: Sexual activity and masturbation increases blood flow and makes your tissues more elastic. So please, fuck and jerk off!

So how do women identified female at birth and those of us on the trans spectrum taking T, work on staying fuck-able? Check out the information below. I hope it helps you so that by this time next year, you can ring in International Fisting Day with a BANG!

I’m no doctor but I suspect that Hormone therapy may not be the route some trans-spectrum folks want to take since taking T helps to reduce estrogen. I’m guessing its counteractive. I’ve listed both some hormonal and non-hormonal remedies to choose from. This information can be used by women and trans-spectrum folks identified female at birth. In any case, please consult with your doctor before trying anything. I am not a medical professional. I’m just sharing what I’ve learned through my personal research. DSCF2356


Topical estrogen–

Is a cream applied to your whoha. This is a lower dose of estrogen therefore does not reach the blood stream as much as oral estrogen. If you have a history of cancer, please consult your oncologist. If your cancer history is hormonally sensitive, there may be an increase risk in cancer reoccurring.

Oral estrogen–

Is a pill that is taken daily.  Prolonged use of estrogen can increase the risk of endometrial cancer. If the uterus has been removed (total hysterectomy), then there is no risk of endometrial cancer. Low doses for no more than a year decreases risk. 


A soft flexible ring is inserted into the upper part of the vajayjay. The ring releases estrogen and is replaced every 3 months. 

Estrogen tablet–

A tiny tablet is inserted into the boi-hole with and applicator. 

**Keep in mind that the hormonal route has side effects that can be serious. Below are non-hormonal avenues to consider. These are most likely the possible remedies trans-spectrum folks identified female at birth should mull over. 

IMG_0978Non-hormonal treatments

Vaginal moisturizer–

Moisturizers help restore some moisture to your man-gina. This can be applied every few days. There are several cunt-moisturizers out there such as Replens, Bloosom Organic and Vagisil. Make sure you look at the ingredients to insure you’re choosing the right moisturizer for your body. I like Sliquid Satin. It’s a daily moisturizer that doubles as a lubricant and its vegan. If you’re looking for a more natural stuff you can find in your home,  you can use coconut oil, extra virgin olive oil or Vitamin E capsules that are opened then applied to your bits.

Water-based lubricant–

Is great for reducing discomfort during penetration. Don’t use lubricant that contains glycerin. This can cause irritation and may contribute to yeast infections. My absolute favorite lube is made by Sliquid. There are several choices but I recommend Sliquid Sea. It contains seaweed extracts that help with elasticity and replenish skin. 


These are usually inserted with an applicator and best used at night. Insert and go to bed. Suppositories containing vitamin A and calendula: help to sooth irritated bits. 

Black Cohosh/Wild Yam suppositories: Although a non-hormonal remedy, black cohosh has estrogen-like properties, while wild yam has both estrogen and progesterone like effects. Together, they help innie lubrication as well as supports healthy front hole tissue.


Black Cohosh: is an herb. It is high in phytoestrogen. Black Cohosh should not be seen as herbal estrogen or a substitute. Its best to think of it as an herb that acts similar to estrogen in some people. 

DHEA: is a hormone that is naturally made in the body. It decreases as we get older. It is produced by the adrenal gland and is changed in the body to a hormone called androstenedione which leads to the production of androgen and estrogen. DHEA can be made in a lab with chemicals found in soy and wild yams. Simply eating soy and wild yams does not produce DHEA.


Regular sexual activity and masturbation: helps maintain the ability to lubricate and increases blood flow to your dik. Blood flow keeps pussy tissue healthy. Penetration exercises the muscles in your whoha. Think of dildos, fists and cocks as the dumbbells and your vagina as your arm. The more you pump, the more toned you get. Work your boi-hole out often. Make it toned, strong and keep it healthy.

 Diet and Exercise–

Raw pumpkin, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds and fish are high in fatty acids. Vitamin A and B and beta-carotene are high in omega 3 fatty acids. Fatty acids are great for producing innie lubrication. Eating foods containing isoflavones can help regulate decreasing estrogen levels. Isoflavones rich foods are soy, cherries, nuts celery, apples, legumes and flaxseeds.  Hydration is key. Drinking lots of fluid is good for our skin. Our front hole lining is basically skin, so drink! Don’t forget to exercise regular. It helps to maintain hormone balance and healthy blood flow. 

You can be fuck-able! Talk to your doctor, figure out what works for you, hydrate and stay active. Your boi hole will love you for it.

Happy International Fisting Day!!!

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… In this moment

16 Sep

I really love this feeling at this time

In this space

This moment

is important 

for right-now

Not tomorrow or 5 years from now

Thursday will be a new day 

with possibilities

Linger-ments of Wednesday

but not necessarily 

THIS Thursday is created new

Nothing is constant

Nor do I want it to be

Nothing is a sure thing

and I am elated for that

Friday we may be different

And not want the same things

I so hope so

Always growing


Never knowing

Terror and utter bliss


Above is a free-write I did some time ago. I found it while rustling through the many napkins, backs of receipts, edges of brown paper bags torn to lay pen to capture a lighting thought before sound hit and it was gone for good. I read somewhere that if you’re having difficulty moving forward with a project; in this case writing, one should work on something unrelated. So, there I was, on the floor thumbing through folders of word memories. I came across a dated sheet of paper the size of an index card adorned with scribbles, chicken-scratch and yet a new idea that navigated me back to my writing. Although this piece was about something altogether different, multiple ideas resinated for me. This resurrected idea comes full circle with former contemplations about negotiation, sex and love.

together foreverMy thoughts captured ideas about how I’ve come to desire “relationships.”  Relationships in this regard, referring to any intimate or sexual interactions regardless of the length of time together. The above piece in some senses, summarizes what I love and what most of us fear in those interactions–uncertainty.  Living in a moment constructed by slabs of boundaries and negotiations. Enough slabs to create a strong foundation for a place, a room, a house–that for years to come, will have its furniture moved around, may stay the same, degrade, be destroyed or be remodeled. We just don’t know. All we can be sure of is that we used the best materials, followed safety guidelines and every so often, tested what we built. There is no certainty of the future, yet we make ourselves believe that we can control it. f8a21990b56029da69e0f914ee08222f

“I’ll never leave you.” “I’ll love you forever.” “I’ll always be there for you.” “Never,” “forever” and “always” are absolute certain words uttered from emotions, used to express the wishfulness of such great feats of certainty. As unattainable as these things are, I do understand the poetry of it all. It’s a beautiful sentiment to express, but what happens when that sentiment is taken at face value and we cannot deliver? Deemed liars and heartbreakers, the promise-crushers are said to have skills that “waste” years off unsuspecting-love-interests lives. For many, its forever or nothing, and the time spend before the break-up become distant distractions from righteous truth tellers of forever. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to want the possibility of a-fairy-tale-forever–but also knowing what reality might bring today. Unfortunately, some of us don’t value the “now”. We bank on the goal of forever and in the process forget about it. What does always and forever represent? Security, love, financial stability, companionship, family? The things we most want can be attained and not at the cost of losing sight of the experiences, memories, and lessons learned in the process.

waiting-for-foreverI’ve grown so much from my relationships throughout the years and will continue to. Some of those intimacies where horrible and some great but all contributed to my journey. I’ve been monogamous and for the past 13 years, practicing polyamory. Sometimes I’ve gotten it right and other times I’ve messed up royally. My experiences took me from trying to jump to a future of proposed satisfaction under the guise of forever, to intentional steps of wonderful moments. I try to feel it all and not skip to the end. It’s amazing to dream of the future but I work hard to not have my head in the clouds so much so that I miss out on the day to day beauty of intimacy.

This is less about polyamory vs monogamy but more about an understanding that we really don’t know what will transpire. Honesty, communication, vulnerability and good intensions are just a few mechanisms we could all use to attain what we want right now. The rest is gravy. Regardless of how your relationships are configured, how many people you love at once, if you’re monogamous, or if you believe in marriage, we all want meaningful relationships. Forever should be the time we take to learn what that actually is.

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Sexperts Need Sex too!!!

14 Feb

imagesYou might find this hard to believe but I’ve considered writing a book entitled: “Go Fuck Yourself: Self lov’n when you can’t get any.” I know, you’re probably thinking, “WTF!” Yes, in October I went on my Farewell to My Uterus Tour, wherein I proclaimed I’d have all kinds of sex before my uterus was taken out. Oh and yes, after my 6 weeks of recovery, decided to go on my unofficial “Welcome to My Orgasms Tour” where I vowed to have as many orgasms as I desired so I could reconnect with them in my some-what new body. Don’t get me wrong, I went, I concurred and I came…and came… and came…

…Now here’s the big BUT…

I’ve realized that lately, the sex I have, although quite wonderful, I have because of certain factors­­–myself, my chosen family, play parties or kinky events. These are the things and people that make me getting laid possible. I practice a lot of self-love. Thank goodness for that. My chosen family is always there to lend a helping hand in that department and play party/ kinky events are created for such happenings. What has been deficient, is the flirt, the “dating” for lack of a better term, and the excitement of a new interaction that’s not a one-night stand. These things have been absent for the most part. I mean it’s happened sporadically but if I had to put a percentage on it, it’d be very, very low.

I either get people talking to me, responding to me, and touching me in non-consensual ways because they think they know me. I’m a sex educator, a sex worker, and I talk about sex. Therefore, I should be down for it any time any place with anyone. WRONG! Then on the other end, I have people (who I’m attracted to and vise versa) that never flirt with me or try to initiate contact. I’m either bombarded by unwanted advances or essentially “neglected” by people who shy away from me.

“Well, how can this be?” you ask. Let me break it down for you.



I totally understand this reasoning for not coming up to me, flirting and picking me up. What most people don’t know is that, I’m afraid too. Who isn’t? The difference is I stopped letting fear dictate sex/love actually happening in my life. I go for it and see what happens. In approaching someone, I check the energy between us, am respectful, communicate openly, and am clear about my intentions. I’d like the same for me. I’m not sure if the fear is based on assumption about the kind of person I am, that I’m a public person or that I might say no. Either way, you’ll never find out. I like a good flirt even if nothing ever comes of it.

Put on a pedestal

images-3Quite opposite of being seen as a piece of meat due to my work, I’m put way way up on a pedestal. I’m not a fan of either. I’m flattered and happy that people admire the work I’ve done, whether in porn, at a workshop, a lecture or something I wrote. I’m so delighted that people get it, get me and find truth in my work. When that truth is turned into me being an untouchable super star, it defeats the purpose. I often speak of the importance of communication, negotiation and understanding power in sex. When I’m placed high up, I’m essentially being placed in a position of power that deters others from having the confidence to even have a conversation with me. That power also gives me the upper hand when I approach people. I’d rather have an equal footing with people, especially if we are to negotiate some hot play. I also want people to have the power to turn me down. Putting me high up can grey those lines and I wouldn’t want that. Another down side to this high pedestal is that it doesn’t allow me to “fuck up.” I’m seen as an expert in all things sex and therefore have no room to be human. I’d have to be perfect in bed and live up to that dream. Totally not fair people.

Independent Polyamorous status

I’m not only polyamorous, I’m an independent poly person. For me this means that my primary relationship is to myself and to my daughter. At this time in my life, I do not want to live with anyone romantically. I do not desire a primary relationship. I do not subscribe to forever. I live each moment with people. I just like to be. We like each other, we can have a fling, form an emotional bond that incorporates sex, does not incorporate sex. We can have intimate connections once a month or every couple of months. images-1It flows as we flow. This is how I do relationships. Thus some people wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole. Some people have referred to me as a “Playa.” This, I am not. I don’t use people to get sex. I expect people to be an equal participant in the negotiating and the getting/having sex with me. For other folks, my Indy-poly identity equals “no real relationship.” I guess we have different definitions of relationships. I think people feel comfortable knowing what the “next steps” are when dating. There are no steps in my process, just waves. People often think that I have no longevity in my relationships and that I do not have the capacity to love. That is so very far from the truth. Although using time to validate my relationships is something I don’t’ really do but only when proving to others my love capabilities, I have had long loving connections with people. I do love. I do care. I do need love. I am worth loving. I just don’t want it wrapped in a traditional monogamous package. It’s not for me. My way of doing relationships is seen as limited, too complicated or invalid.

Gender Queerness

I prefer the pronoun “they, them and theirs.” I accept “he” if I have to and I’m referred to as she by some of my family members. I’m trans identified. I’m also gender queer, gender fluid and two-spirit identified. My gender flows. It has manifested itself in different images-2ways throughout the years. Currently, I’m being seen more as male. I’ve been on testosterone for the past several months. I’m getting used to this new image in the mirror and how my body works. In deciding to take testosterone, it’s solidified my decision NOT to have top surgery. I don’t think I’ve ever really considered it. I think there have been moments of wonder. Mostly due to people invalidating my transness because I have them.  This can change but right now, this is what I feel. My gender queerness is true to me. I don’t see myself or identify as a man. I don’t see myself or identify currently as a woman. I am both and neither. I am femininity and masculinity rolled up into one. I am a trans entity. I am a trans entity that is starting to grow a mustache, is husky, loves glitter, paints my toe nails, has a deepening voice, I switch when I walk and I have breasts. “Say What?!!!” Yes I do! I want to work up the courage to choose not to bind at times. Currently, this is what gender queerness looks like for me. My gender presentation makes me elated but worries some people and confuses others. Going back to the “fear.” My gender queerness can be frightening, worrisome, even to people who are interested in me. I think some people are just genuinely afraid to make assumptions, ask the wrong questions or mis-gender me in any way. The confused want me to choose. It perplexes them sexually. Some gay men, trans women and lesbians want me to be a “real” trans man. Some trans guys don’t do other trans guys or if they do, try to put me in a “feminine” position.  As if femmes have one position. Ha!! People make assumptions about what I want/do in bed or who turns me on.

They’re just not that into me


Everyone doesn’t have to like me and that is reason enough. There’s no spark, I’m not their type, or they’re just not interested. Understandable. I get it. Valid excuse. Lets move on shall we?

…So, these are some of the reasons I’ve come up with that I think deter people from participating in some good ole flirting and “courtship” practices with me. Then of course there is my own self-doubt. It can be a vicious cycle. People don’t approach me (for insert reason here) and I at times hold back. I think, “they’re not into me,” “they want more than I can offer,” or “they won’t get my gender.” Thereby creating these moments in my life where I have no sexual energy exchange, flirting, sex, kinky play or pick-ups outside of myself, chosen family, play parties or kink events


I teach people about sex, relationship, desire and how to make it all happen. Publicly I’ve advocated for trans and gender queer rights and diversity. I have fought for validation of diverse relationship structures outside of marriage. I strive for sexual liberation. I have been called radical. I have been told over and over again that my work is important. I have been praised for all these things and yet (I assume) that these are the very things that keep others from getting close to me. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?







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Welcome To My Orgasms! (AKA Farewell To My Uterus Tour: Part Deux)

3 Jan

0S3A2643_wIt’s been over 13 weeks since the “Farewell to My Uterus Tour” and 9 weeks since my hysterectomy.  What an amazing journey this has been! In October, I decided to go on a tour to celebrate my uterus and say goodbye to her. I took many years to come to the decision to have the surgery. A major reason I held back was the fear of losing my internal orgasms. But alas, medical reasons and painful fibroids helped me come to the inevitable decision to put her to rest. I was scared and when I’m scared, I gotta talk. I need to share. When I don’t, I find that my mental health issues with anxiety and depression swoop in. I isolate, and matters get worse. So, I decided she shouldn’t go quietly. I made the decision to share and encourage others to share. I’m so glad I did.images-3

I took the month of October to celebrate my birthday and rejoice in my uterus. The goal was to have as many orgasms as possible, talk to others (trans folks and cis women) who have had or considered a hysterectomy, and get it all on film. SUCCESS! I played, fucked, came, shot some porn, was on a radio show, connected with my body, began the mourning process, and had fun doing it. I’m so thankful for all my chosen family who met me along the way to join in my journey, and to new friends who supported me. I’ll never forget the pure joy of it all. By the end of my tour, I had achieved all that I wanted. My body was deliciously sore from all the sex and hot play. The last event/party of my tour summed it all up. I was covered in sweat, cum, bruises and tears. What a wonderful release. Everyone sent me off to my surgery feeling satisfied. I feared that I would never again feel that type of powerful internal, ejaculatory pleasure, so I had to go all out, just in case.

images-1On November 1st, I said goodbye to my uterus. My beautiful daughter stayed with me for 3 weeks while I healed. Thank goodness for that-for her. The doctors said it would take at least 6 weeks to heal. I decided they were wrong and thought I’d be fine in 2 weeks. It turns out I was wrong. It was painful. I couldn’t lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. Coughing and bowel movements hurt like hell. There was also lots of spotting. I was extremely tired and found I needed to rest a lot.  I’d say it took me 7 or so weeks to feel completely well.

Even though my surgery had nothing to do with my gender identity re-alignment, it has aided in me feeling closer to how I see myself. 2013 was a year of great transition in lots of ways. Some were extremely challenging and others a necessary joy.  Support from my community and blood- and chosen-family truly guided me in all of this.

Thank you!! I am excited for continued growth in this year.

Which brings me to this…images-1

imagesmy new ORGASMS!!!

I am ecstatic to report that on December 22nd, I had a powerfully mind blowing internal orgasm. I can’t even express how blissful I am to have the pleasure of experiencing this. So of course, I’m back to my old tricks. I’m doing a little traveling post surgery, still healing and embarking on, “Welcome to my Orgasms!” I’m on a mission to find more of those internal orgasms, talk to some more people and get reacquainted with my sex. Oh, and I’m still filming. Currently, I’m in New York. I’m planning on going to Los Angeles, DC, Connecticut and beyond. Documenting this crossing has and will be momentous! I look forward to it all.

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Farewell to my Uterus Tour!

23 Sep

images-1On November 1, 2013 my uterus will be extracted from my body. I really think I’ll miss her but this separation must happen. The decision to have the surgery has taken several years to finalize, initially because I had no health insurance but inevitably due to fear. I love my uterus. It’s given me endless pleasure especially while being fisted. There’s nothing like a good hard punch-fuck session to get your ejaculation flowing. What an intense release! I fear the loss. I’ve gone back and forth about it, talked to countless people who have had the procedure and always returned to “NO! I won’t do it!” The risk seemed just too high for me. The risk of loosing my mojo was too intense to bear. I’ve had the wonderful experiences of having all types of orgasms courteously of me being such a dedicated sexual scientist for the sexual revolution. My work as a sex educator and dedication to sexual liberation propels me to use myself as a test subject and get the true answers to share with you. My countless masturbation and good fucking has lead me to experience clitoral orgasms, g-spot, anal, combination, multiple, fantasy and of course the wonderfully glorious uterine orgasm. I put a lot of time into obtaining this data but it’s been well worth it to share this vital information. Once you have this gem of a “data” you simply can’t go back.

A hysterectomy almost seems like the thing to do right? I’m trans. So, getting one should follow suite. Not! I know plenty of trans imagesguys, gender queers and gender non-conforming folks who keep their uteri because they simply love her or to carry a child, they don’t have health insurance and or they don’t need or want to.  In October, I’ll be 42. I don’t plan on having any more children. I’m pretty much over bleeding every month and I’m just tired.  I thank my uterus for giving me wonderful gifts.  She helped nestled myimages-2 baby who’s now a grown woman. I was able to experience a right of passage into a young woman. That will always be a good memory. It was an experience I could hardly wait for. It was a part of my personal gender journey. Now my journey continues and my uterus must be laid to rest. The excruciatingly painful periods, the extreme heavy flows and the problematic fibroids are reason enough for me to go forth. I’ve tried a variety of alternatives to surgery but none have fully given me relief.  Thus, our farewell.


This farewell to her won’t be done quietly. It will be grand. It will be special. It will be nasty. It will be pleasurable and it will be sad. She has been a part of my body and we have in some senses negotiated the complexities of our co-existence.  Nonetheless, she is a part of me and soon no more. I’ve done my research and have come to the conclusion that the stuff written about women, Boi reclinedfemale-bodied, female assigned at birth folks is just fucked up. Its negative, hardly offers hope and give us bad information. Thank goodness for radical sex educators and sex positive people fighting to come to real conclusions about our bodies. My uterus will be gone soon but my orgasms can and will live. My uteral orgasm WILL relocate and I’ll work hard to re-connect with my body after surgery. I’ll make sure to keep you all updated on my rich data collection regarding orgasms post hysterectomy.

FeetIn preparation for our farewells, I plan on giving her (and myself), the best going away a uterus ever had. In October (after my birthday on October 1st) I plan on going on the “Farewell to my Uterus Tour.”  I’ve commissioned my close friends and chosen family to help her exit my body in style. I’ll be traveling to various places to play, fuck, laugh, orgasm, shoot porn and talk about “the uterus.”  Every weekend in October I’ll do one or all of the above things in honor of and departure of my uterus. I’ll keep you posted on social media. This will be amazing!


Weekends in October

1st Michigan

2nd New York

3rd Connecticut  (see you at Queer Invasion)

4th California (Happily shooting again with Crash Pad Series and  Indi Porn Revolution)

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What “They” said: Black Power and Sexuality

1 Feb

imgresBlackness is all the rage! Whether negative or positive, it’s in the air swirling about.  It of course has always lingered, but ever since Obama was elected President of these United States, racism, Blackness, “The Black Agenda,” and even Black love have been pushed further to the forefront. Yes, you heard me, Black love. It’s the first time I can remember a President and the First Lady’s love, affection and sexiness captured and talked about so much. I can’t decipher whether this is good or bad. Are Barack and Michelle  viewed as anomalies or is it a truly beautiful thing to be recognize by (White) Americans? …Or is it an exhale of release that Black folks finally have an “untainted” view of Black love in the open? Hm..points to ponder.

I’m hoping to push the topic of Black sexuality a little further to the left today in honor of the very short but ever-so-important Black History Month and of course, my favorite topic sex(ulaity). Black love has traveled many racist configurations. It has been created, portrayed, force-fed and regurgitated to us and sometimes by us. Our bodies have been subjects, objects, taken, used, fetishized, lusted over and …the cycle begins again and again.  Even when we imgres-1attempt to journey our paths of what love, sex/ Black love/ Black sex means to us, we are captured by White ideals. We are held in spaces and shackled by systematic oppression that keep us unable to travel our path. In honor of Black History month, the beauty of Black love, the wonderfulness of Black sex and the Black Power we attain in realizing self love, I share the work and images of some Black/POC folks examining, creating space, living and loving Black Power and Sexuality!

Have you read the article, “Who’s Afraid of Black Sexuality?” By Stacey Patton. It takes this topic much further. A must read!

Have you read the book, “Black Sexual Politics: African Americans, Gender, and the New Racism” by Patricia Hill Collins? Its on my reading to-do list.

Patricia Hill Collins explores the way in which race, class, and gender organize our national social life via two related themes in the Black Sexual Politics: African Americans, Gender, and the New Racism. On the one hand, she makes the case for a new strain of racism that is pervasive but harder to recognize than the old kind, which declared itself in slavery statutes and Jim Crow laws. Now that legalized racism is behind us, she argues, more subtle forms of racism remain as its legacy, both externally imposed upon and internally recreated by Black communities. She uses as evidence not only the statistical imgres-2findings of social science (the high proportion of incarcerated young Black men, the dwindling resources of inner city schools) but also the ambiguous testimony of film and television, which reflects us back to ourselves while at the same time expressing ruling interests that distort the common good. On the other hand, she notes a tendency in Black political theory to abstract from issues of gender and sexuality, a striking example of which is the hostility of African American churches to homosexuality. The presences of Black LGBT people have been very hard to discern in public discussion and in the media, and gay Black men have been driven to lead double lives, a silence and omission implicated in the rise of HIV/AIDS among African Americans. A more inclusive
political awareness that grants a place to varieties of eros and committed love, she argues, might be more effective.

For full review, click here. If you’d like to buy it, click here.

Do you know Dr.Aih Djehuti Herukhuti Khepera Ra Temu Seti Amen aka
Hameed Sharif Williams? Well, you should. He is the founder of Black Funk and the author of “Conjuring Black Funk.” He skillfully merges culture, sexuality and spirituality via a variety of mediums.imgres-9

The online presence of Black Funk, a sexual cultural center focused on Indigenous/Pan African Disaporic/Native/Global South approaches to sexuality. This web site is a portal and community space for people who are interested in learning more about sexuality from an Indigenous, decolonizing, culturally-affirming perspective.

entrypic_redHave you experienced the work of Black Beat Inc? Have you had the pleasure of going to their annual conference? Well you are surely missing out.

Established in 2003, Black BEAT Inc. is an independent, social organization founded by African American members of the D/s, BDSM and Leather community nationwide. Our organization strives to cultivate safe, sane, consenting adults (21 years and older) with alternative lifestyle and sexuality interests via culture, education, development, support, and event planning.

Each year Black BEAT offers award acknowledgement to those loyal and progressive in their BDSM and Leather lifestyle contributions. Our family of patrons realize that an African American presence in kink has to be self supporting, thus, have collectively built the foundation upon which we proudly stand. Acknowledgement of African American Leadership in BDSM is important to facilitate strength to others that care to lead in the effort to maximize a greater BDSM community. We desire to continue to build a healthy understanding of the BDSM lifestyle that will add positive validation within our interpersonal actions and diverse relationships.

Collective organizational efforts via sexual diversity lectures, workshops and demonstrations are our focus. We strive to enhance social benefits for African Americans and all kink aware sexual minorities, creating a welcome atmosphere for all who share interest in our expansion, our conferences, or munch groups.

Black BEAT welcomes and encourages all races, ethnicity’s, and sexual preferences to join us for our unique conference experience.

Black BEAT is not a referral service, sex club, or swingers organization.imgres-5

Did you know that a couple of People of Color were in the midst of creating an anthology called “Perverts of Color”? Yes in deed
they are. They also have a tumblr called Perverts of Color where you can witness the most wonderful images of diverse POC love, sex and kink.

Do you know of Dr. Kortney Ryan Ziegler‘s film? Yes? Wasn’t it fantastic! If you haven’t already witnessed “Still Black: A Portrait of Black Transmen,” you’re missing out. Its a must see. Find it, buy it and experience  it!

STILL BLACK: A Portrait of Black Transmen is brought to life by the stories of six thoughtful, eloquent and diverse transmen. Preachers, teachers, students and activists educate us simply by making their presence known. Each man brings a colorful and complex richness as he describes his relationship to himself, as well as others in his life — the cadence of his voice keeping in rhythm with how the speaker displays himself to the camera.

imgres-8Director Kortney Ryan Ziegler, lets the subjects’ words and personalities dictate the images and film effects, and the black images on the white background play on the fact that issues concerning gender, race and sexuality are not and cannot be discussed in black and white terms. Clear voices speak on love, family, passing and sex.

The viewer is welcomed with vivid discussions of the connections they have to their bodies, social status and the consequences of being black, transgender and men. With fresh images of rarely seen black transmen, one is left with the recognition of their determination to live an honest and full life and the resilience to live visible lives. STILL BLACK: A Portrait of Black Transmen more than entertains, it gives the LGBT community an opportunity to learn about itself.”


Last but certainly not least, have you seen the work of AfroerotiK? It is an all gender/ sexuality/ relationship inclusive educationalimgres-6 site. Surf the website and enjoy.

Have you ever been to a website that catered to all forms of sexuality?  Most sites are geared towards one genre of sex, or they might have separate sections or categories for various tastes and preferences. AfroerotiK is a website that caters to men and women, individuals who are straight and gay, lesbian and transgendered, black and white, couples who are happily married, people who are single, vanilla and kinky, those who are enjoying the fruits of open/poly relationships and everything is all mixed up and coming led together.  At AfroerotiK, we celebrate the beauty, sensuality, and passion of ALL people of African descent.  We share more things in common than not.  Our history, our culture, our struggles are what tie us together and need for liberation from oppressive and limiting mindsets is what unites us.  Who we love and how we love are insignificant.  What matters is that we are trying to connect, trying to find validation and intimacy with someone who will allow us to show our true selves and still find us inherently attractive.

This is a space for the open-minded and the liberal.  This is a place for the not so open-minded and liberal to share, learn, grow, and explore.  This is a place for people to talk about their fantasies and fetishes without feeling judged imgres-4or denigrated.  It doesn’t matter if you love someone who has the same genitals as you, who is a different color, ethnicity, or religion, if you have nappy hair or belong to the Tea Party, here is where you are free to be your most authentic sexual self.  All people of color are welcomed to share their experiences and obstacles in defining their own sexuality and all majority folks are welcomed to listen, learn, respect, and admire an experience different than your own.

Erotic provocateur, racially-influenced humanist, relentless champion for the oppressed, and facilitator for social change, Scottie Lowe is the brain child, creative genius and the blood, sweat, and tears behind AfroerotiK.  Intended to be part academic, part educational, and part sensual, she, yes SHE gave birth to the website and the company to provide people of African descent a place to escape the narrow-mined, stereotypical, limiting and oft-times degrading beliefs that abound about our sexuality.  No, not all Black men are driven by lust by white flesh or to create babies and walk away.  No, not all Black women are promiscuous welfare queens or willing to do any sexual imgres-7favor for money.  And as hard as it may be to believe, no, not all gay Black men are feminine, down low, or HIV positive.  While being the first to admit that there are issues surrounding the collective Black sexuality, Scottie is putting everything on the table to people to discuss, debate, and dismantle stereotypes in a healthy exchange of ideas.  She hopes to provide a more holistic, informed, and enlightened discussion of Black sexuality so that people of color have alternative to the one-dimensional caricatures society and the media force feed us down our throats and dreams of helping couples be more open, honest, and adventurous in their relationships.

This by no means is a comprehensive list. Its a teaser highlighting some of the work that’s out there. There are so many of us trying to spread the education via art, images, film, written material, workshops and lectures. We’ve been striving to create spaces, begin/continue dialogue, and  love in Blackness with no shame or stereotypes. Black sexuality is Barack, Michelle and more.  It’s queer, trans, heterosexual and asexual. It’s polyamorous, non-monogamous and monogamous. It’s disability. Its all shades and shapes. It’s poor and it is well off. It’s political. It’s private. It’s clean and dirty. Most of all, it is ours. It’s up to us to determine and define. We are getting…we have gotten… to the place(s) where we cannot allow others to shape the image of our lust/love/sex/desire/ fantasy and fucking. Its ours to do what we please. This is our power. Let’s enjoy it and spread the Black love!

Black Love! Black Sex! Black Kink! Black Power!

…I’m hoping folks can share and add to this list….and happy Black History Month!!!

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What “They” Said: HIV Prevention Method?

1 Dec

Today is World AIDS Day.  This day means so many things to so many people. It is a day to raise awareness, mourn those lost and to support people living with HIV and those affected by HIV and AIDS.  As a sex(uality) educator, a sex worker and polyamorous person, getting tested, knowing my status and practicing safer sex have been a core practices in my life. It hasn’t always been that way though. Before I began my own sexual journey through trial and error, I didn’t have much information about sex. In my parent’s generation, their parents didn’t talk about sex. When it came to my generation, my parents figured if you don’t talk about it, it wouldn’t happen. Nothing could’ve been farther from the truth. Even though younger generations today get better information than I did or my parents did, it’s still not enough. In some cases, if sex education is even taught, it is limited. Too often, sex education focuses on procreation, heterosexual sex, and lacks conversations about desire or how to negotiate for oneself. Lets not forget the Abstinence until marriage sex education campaigns. The push for abstinence as a safety measure for all young people has been unrealistic. I do believe that teaching both abstinence and comprehensive sex education that included sex positivity is the way to go.  The education we receive as young peoples is vital BUT the education does not end there. It is just the beginning. As adults and older adults, we must continue to educate ourselves as well.

Yesterday I went to an event at New York University. It was an annual event called “Living Out Loud: Queer People of Color Creating HIV Awareness.” This year’s program was two fold: a panel to continue to raise awareness on HIV and AIDS and a celebration to honor the writer/ performer, HIV positive queer activist, Brandon Lacy Campos. The panel offered wonderful information and perspective but one panelist stuck out for me. A woman living with HIV for 20 plus years stated, “I had a boyfriend, we were in a monogamous relationship and I trusted him.”  These words spoke volumes to me. To begin, one of the things that I hear over and over again in HIV prevention speak is that monogamy is a one of several tools to staying negative. I do not agree with this. In my opinion, monogamy, gives a false sense of security regarding safer sex. Within monogamy we throw out any notions of negotiating sex, fluid bonding is a given and the idea that cheating doesn’t enter into the “safety” equation. Even if a monogamous couple never cheated on each other, it doesn’t take in to account the relationships they had prior or if they’ve ever gotten tested.

The lingo about monogamy, in some ways, puts a cloud over us folks who are polyamorous, have multiple partners and or are non-monogamous. It feeds into the idea that if you have more than one lover, and you “get” something, it was through your own doing. I guess the idea is that if you stick with one, and then you lessen your chances. I think it’s more complicated than that. There is an assumption here. The assumption is that if you have multiple partners you are not safe or using safer sex methods. For me, polyamory is more than just the ability to love/ be in relationship with/ have sex with and play with multiple people. It is about consent. It is about negotiating and re-negotiating my body, sex and safety. These things are never a given. These things, I’m generalizing here, get lost in monogamy. I’d say that I’m the “safest” I’ve ever been as a poly person than I ever was as monogamous. This is more about the false ideas monogamy promises. Commit yourself to one person and you will be safe. Throughout my life I’ve committed myself to multiple people simultaneously and I was safe because I took measures to be so, not because a title promised it to me. I want to be clear; I am speaking on my own poly practices. Not all poly people negotiate as I do and this is my point exactly. Not all monogamous people follow the “laws” of monogamy and so we are all as susceptible to contracting HIV or any STI, as any people in any relationship configuration. From an early age we learn what monogamy is supposed to be. That idea is beautiful but not a reality for some. Monogamy as well as polyamory should not be treated as a cookie cutter model. We negotiate these relationships knowing anything could change at any time. We trust ourselves and not an idea. I believe you can promote “safety”/ prevention methods and sex positive language around different kinds of relationships. The key here is communication, constant negotiation, regular testing and safety as people define it for themselves. HIV prevention messages CAN be sex positive. Don’t you think?







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What “They” Said: Blog Hop!

26 Nov

Time to get back to writing and complete the Sexual Liberation series for my blog, What “They Said.  Life gets busy. writers block rears its ugly head and excuses excuses. I got a really creative nudge from Shelly Taylor, writer of Pass The Herpes blog, by asking me to take part in a Blog Hop. A Blog Hop is, as Shelly describes it, sort of a chain letter. You answer several questions about your book/blog, and post it along with the names of other bloggers you love. The creators of the blogs you mention answer the same questions, post their answers and blogs they love. So now its’ my turn. Let the Blog Hop continue!!!

Ignacio Rivera

What is the working title of your next book?

In my dreams I actually have time to write at least one of the books I’ve been threatening to write for years. In this fantasy world my 1st books’ working title would be This Ain’t the Love boat: Navigating Relationships, Love and Sex. I’m hoping to actually begin this endeavor in the next year. Wish me luck!

 In the meantime, I’m working hard on putting out new blog posts for What “They” Said. I post past and current essays, erotica, poetry, political thought and opinion pieces on SEX(UALITY) that focus on a combination of relationships, sex, kink, gender, race and class issues. My blog is housed on my website http://polypataoproductions.com/ where I also post product reviews called Check it out!

So there! I put it out there. Now I really have to write this book and keep up with my blog posts. Jeez!!!

Where did the idea come from for the book?

The idea for the book came about from my own journey around sex and relationships especially as a queer/ trans/ poly/ person of color. I hope to express my experiences from tons of discussions, workshop facilitation and lectures I’ve engaged in throughout the years.

The blog What “They Said, has been a place for me to share personal, political, poetic thought and opinion. As my tagline boasts, I’m “Fisting sex(uality), gender, race and class.” Think of the book as safer sex and the blog as (consensual) raw-dog fucking! I’m keepn’ it real!

What genre does your book fall under?

My imaginary book would fall under a variety of genres. It would be fluid like me. It’d probably fall under non-fiction, political, sexual health and relationship.

My blog would be poetry collections, memoir, short stories/ essays and advice.

Terrance Howard

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

This answer will be in two parts:

Michelle Rodriquez

  1. I recently saw a wonderful Argentinean movie at this years MIX festival. In it, several actors interchangeably played the main characters. Gender or resemblance was not the focus here. I’m not sure what was but I love it. It was new and refreshing.
  2. Ok, so I cheated. I hadn’t a clue as to who would play me and so I asked the wonderful folks on Facebook this question. I told them they could choose a male or female and the ones that I thought made sense (and made me happy) were Michelle Rodriquez and Terrance Howard….but then at the last minute there were two other entries to the pool that got me thinking; Kisha Batista and Gary Dourdan.

    Gary Dourdan

Kisha Batista

So in trying to continue a wonderfully smart, funny and innovative tradition of shifting characters on a film. I am requesting that all of these people play me. Just cycle them in and out. I’d love that!

What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book?

Re-examining “love at first sight”, “monogamy” and” happily ever after.”

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

I’ve been leaning more towards self-publishing but when reality finally hits and I’m on the journey to actually writing this book, that might change. I’ll let you know.

How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

Sheesh!! I’m not there yet. What I do have is the title, my table of contents and lots of notes and chicken scratch under each section. Don’t judge me! It’s a start!

What other books would you compare this to within your genre?

Not sure. I’ve seen relationship “how to” books which this one would not be. I could see myself writing that in the future. This one would be more of an examination of what we know, what we’ve been taught, how that’s manifested in our successes and or failures within different kinds of relationships. I hope it looks like a sexy political analysis with personal stories.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

The book and the blog are inspired by years of work, stories and experiences. What also inspires me is the idea that I could write a book that speaks to understanding the systems that maintain unrealistic relationship formations, hetero-normative and cookie-cutter models of relationships, so as to change them.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

Hopefully that I’m writing it… LOL!

Here are the writers whose work you can check out next:

K. U. Barrett

K.Ulanday Barrett is one of my brothers. K. is a poet, performer, educator, and martial artist navigating life as a pin@y-amerikan trans/queer in the U.S. with struggle, resistance, and laughter. Currently based in NY/NJ, with roots in Chicago. Their blog is called Recipes For the People. In K’s words, “…food brings so many of us together, allows us to share across the table, allows us to celebrate during times of war, ache, pain, silence. when world events and stories of survival strike us, i find myself at the stove ready to feed my family and friends. if you understand this, let’s seek vision and joy through our bellies together, yes?”


Perverts of Color is a blog for people of color involved in alternative sexual lifestyles to discuss and celebrate the diversity of our various identities and communities. I’ve been so happy to experience the sex positive images of people of color on this blog. PLEASE GO SEE FOR YOURSELVES!!!


Jiz Lee is a genderqueer porn performer who writes on pornography, art, sex and gender. Their blog jizlee.comchronicles their

Jiz Lee

experiences over the last 5 years in the field. They are also the upcoming editor of the anthology: “How to Come Out Like a Pornstar: Adult Industry Essays on Family Matters.”

Bethany Stevens




Bethany Stevens‘s blog is called Crip Confessions. I met Bethany several years ago at a sexuality conference where she was speaking. Here activism, writing and presence has moved me and taught me so much. In Bethany’s words, “I’m an uppity crip scholar-activist and sexologist. I use the word ‘crip’ in a way to signal reclamation and promotion of disability pride and disability politics. This blog is a repository of my rants concerning disability, body politics, social movement capacity building, media representation, body modification, sexuality, love, etc. Some of these rants will be on topics I feel that many of us shy away from – but I would love to see these posts generate conversations”.


JAC Stringer

JAC Stringer’s blog called Midwest GenderQueer is the queery musings of a genderfucking femme boy. He is a trans-genderqueer femme, (dis)abled-kid radical activist and performance artist. A native of Cincinnati, Ohio, JAC strives to create visibility, community, and resources for trans*and queer communities. JAC has lectured and performed across the USA and Canada with his work focusing trans* and queer education, social justice, femme identities, (dis)ability, and trans*/queer artistry. He uses radical activism, hot pants, poofy skirts, and gender theory to create an intriguing space centered on bodies, ability, androgyny, and beyond. JAC and I have known each other for years. We have done workshops together and been on tour with The Gender Queeries. We are also twins.

Read our blogs, pass on this post and help us with the Blog Hop! Thanks for your support!


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What “They” Said: P3 Play Parties Coming To a Close

1 Nov

It has been a great honor to have organized and help sustain queer and trans play party gatherings for almost 12 years. My play parties were born from a need in (some) queer and trans People of Color (POC) communities, as was the group that started it all. These early steps into my sexual liberation journey created a positive domino affect for future works. Shades of Poly (SOP) came about for the same reasons that the play parties emerged. I didn’t see enough POC within this “sexual alternative world.” Groups and play spaces were predominantly White and lacked racial consciousness. I came out as polyamorous and felt alone. Every group I attended was, as I stated, predominantly White and or  cis-male dominated. There began my venture into finding out why POC were not accessing those spaces or why White folks were not making those spaces accessible to us. Soon after embarking on my quest to find answers, I did what most of us do. I started my own group.

SOP emerged under the guise of Poly Patao Productions (P3). SOP was a social group in which queer and trans POC who identified as poly, eternally single, creepers, excessive daters, cheaters, non-monogamous, freaky and or kinky, came together for workshops, discussions and later on the play parties.  I found community at SOP. We educated each other and grew together. After about 4 years of heading the group, I handed it over to group members. I was ready to move from social groups to more of a political framework. At that time, a lover and I began Revolutionstar.

Revolutionstar was a joint effort of my P3 work and her work.  We worked together for about 3 years. In that time, we organized community events such as “Rev-Ho-Lution.” We created a series of educational classes, which combined sexuality and politics called “Poly-tics.” We produced play parties, we wrote articles and we organized several sexual liberation retreats called “Purge.” The work we accomplished was amazing. In the end, we went our separate ways and continued doing our individual work and I continued to concentrate on P3.

Then and now, my work expanded to include performances, film, blog, anthology writings, workshops, and lectures. Throughout all of the political and artistic work, I worked hard to maintain the play parties. In the beginning, the parties were POC-only and later on, intentional multi-racial play spaces. At first the parties were sporadic, then monthly, seasonal and eventually stayed at every other month. The parties have cycled from “The Play Party Named Desire,” to “Afternoon Delight,” to “PHUK IT!” These play parties have held anywhere from 15 to 60 people. They have been multi-racial. They have ranged from $10-$25. They have catered to people 21 years of age to 67. These parties have enjoyed a wonderful array of  body types and gender expressions. Damn! I’m gonna miss these parties.

It has been an absolute joy to organize these parties. I’ve often stated that my parties where a wonderful gateway to other events and parties. It sort of broke you in and allowed for more. I simultaneously catered to the “newbie” and the expert. In my guesstimation,  over 75% of participants had never been to a play party, were traumatized by an all White party or had been to a play party but never played. Throughout the years I have been told that my parties created comfort, ease and allowed people to explore. I am so happy that I had a hand in satisfying many people. LOL! Unfortunately, as all good things, this too must come to an end. Just the parties, not the satisfying! It’s been a long run and now my energy will refocus. I plan on re-working my website.  I’ll be trying to concentrate more on producing my documentary and hopefully writing a book or two. Although I will not organize the bi-monthly play parties, I will continue to organize “Four-Play,” the traveling play party.

I want to thank everyone who has ever come to one of P3’s parties. Your enthusiasm and support has meant so much to me. I’m so happy I was able to walk with you, if only for a moment, of your life long sexual liberation journey. Thank you for entrusting me to try and create a safer space for you. Thank you for letting go and having fun in ways you have never done in public. Thank you for understanding why these spaces were so much more important than just a place to fuck. Thank you! I hope to see you all at sporadic parties and of course my final play party PHUK IT! November 10, 2012.

Sexual Liberation for all!!!

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What “They” Said: Sexual Liberation???

17 Oct


The concept of sexual liberation has sprouted an array of subtopics that are a culmination of my work as a sex(uality) educator. There is so much to write on the idea of sexual liberation that I’ve decided to create a series of these topics. The next several blog posts will be dedicated to “Sexual Liberation.”  Below, I’ve begun with an overview of my thoughts on the broad subject. The posts to come, will feature subcategories of sexual liberation concepts such as safe space, race play, the politics of sex and fetish co-opting of marginalized cultures.

 Thoughts on Sex Lib

I’ve created and facilitated several workshops focused on sexual liberation. Sexual liberation, much like other terms hold different meanings to different people. I’ve focused on liberation as an intentional path in one’s life. I do not frame it as one’s destination. It’s a journey we choose to take, stay on, fall off, re-route and so on. In my opinion, you never get to it–exhale and relax. You never look back and say to yourself, “I finally made it.”  If we did, then we would forget how we got there. We would get a little too comfortable. We could no longer be active in the journey because there would be no place to go. My hope for sexual liberation, we’d always be mindful, alert and in motion. We’d be moving towards this place, that’s not a place, but a constant ever shifting realm that holds the entirety of our experiences. Does that make sense?

When I searched for sexual liberation on Google, I found that many results placed the focus on sex. It was about the act of it. It was about the shift of who was doing it, how they were doing it, with whom they were doing it and how much. I guess it makes sense to think squarely about SEX when digesting the idea of sexual liberation. Another search result was Wikipedia’s definition. Wikipedia positions sexual liberation within the experience of the sexual revolution:

The sexual revolution (also known as a time of “sexual liberation”) was a social movement that challenged traditional codes of behavior related to sexuality and interpersonal relationships throughout the Western world from the 1960s to the 1980s. Sexual liberation included increased acceptance of sex outside of traditional heterosexual, monogamous relationships (primarily marriage). Contraception and the pill, public nudity, the normalization of homosexuality and alternative forms of sexuality, and the legalization of abortion all followed.

What came first, the chicken or the egg; sexual liberation or the revolution? Whether it was the catapult or the product, sexual liberation IS about sex. It’s also about the history of the sexual revolution that helps keep us on the endless path. Sexual liberation is embedded in understanding systems of oppression, the role of power, communication and accountability. It incorporates and goes beyond the physical act of sex. It soars and helps us name our desires. Encourages us to bring it to the forefront, share it, do it and learn from it. Sexual liberation isn’t about careless, crazed, selfish sex addiction. In my minds eye, it’s about honesty, growth, agency and sexual health.

I fear some of us on the journey have claimed a false sense of “arrival.” Much like people who deem themselves anti-racists, “sexually liberated” people have stopped traveling, unpacked their bags and are relaxing in the bliss of so-called liberation. I think lots of us have done it. At one point in my own journey, I thought I had reached my final destination but I was dead wrong. A friend of mine held me accountable to my words and my actions. I was so grateful for that. It reminded me. He reminded me of my continued journey. I hope this will remind some of you.

For some of us, one act propelled us into a sexual freedom we’d only dreamed about. That act might have been, asking for what you want, going to a play party, saying no, touching yourself for the first time, looking at yourself naked, watching porn, having queer sex or coming out as polyamorous. We feel different, happy, invigorated and shall I say, sexually liberated. The sexual freedom and liberation we feel is subjective. It holds different meaning for everyone. Hopefully if we are intentional about being on this journey, we can function within a framework that is universal. This framework can help keep guiding us and remind us that we do not live in a vacuum. We are connected to the wider world. Whether we are speaking of sexual liberation or the revolution, these uprisings initially came about to level the playing fields between men and women. It was a fight to question/shift gender roles and sexual expectations. It was about women having more say over their own bodies. The revolution grew and continues to grow, therefore we must move and grow with it. When we end the journey, several things can occur: we take on false titles as being sexually liberated, we stop or forget about the work ahead of us, we sometimes segregate ourselves in bubbles of comfort and we position ourselves in a place of sexual privilege.

Bubbles of comfort

I absolutely love my bubble! My bubble of comfort consists of queer and trans kinky activists and or artists of color. These are my people. They get me. We understand each other. In my bubble, I don’t have to explain race/ racism or my pronoun. In my bubble, I feel at home. These bubble serve many purposes especially for oppressed and marginalized folks. For example, a bubble of Queer people with disabilities is very different from a bubble of White cis men. One bubble is out of necessity/survival and the other is something else completely. I see my bubble/bubbles of those whom are marginalized, as a very essential function for our mental health. In the same breath, we must be careful not to isolate ourselves. Existing exclusively in our bubbles can limit us. Flowing in and outside our bubbles gives us perspective, allows us to receive ally ship, forces us to challenge ourselves  and others. It allows for accountability.

Sexual privilege

To name ourselves sexually enlightened or liberated gives us the false sense that we can do no wrong within our sexual lives. This is simply not true. I have been on my path for some time now, and I continue to make mistakes. It reminds me that I am human. It pushes me to dig deeper and allows me to go further. I will always have something to learn. Our ideas of sexual liberation could also work to make us seem holier-than-thou in comparison to other groups of people on different points on the path. We also run the risk of having our bubble of comfort, morph from necessity to an exclusionary click. It gives the notion that the supposed further you are on this path, the better, smarter, superior sex and ultimate understanding of sex(ulaity) you have. We then aid in creating yet another hierarchy. Sexual liberation should be spiral, linear or continuous. It should be ever flowing. We should be able to move side to side, up or down. This very idea supports gender transition, coming out as queer or poly, being a switch or the act of pegging. Once upon a time, there lived only one idea of sex/sexuality. Do we want to revert to the one idea or experience the complexities of this continuous revolution? Liberation is messy. It doesn’t fit into a nice simple package. That is the beauty of it.

Universal framework

To reiterate, when we stay exclusively in our bubbles or we claim a sort of sexual enlightenment that sets us apart from everyone else we get stuck. We limit ourselves from the continued growth and the idea of an endless path of knowledge. Staying open to our own sexual realities as well as those outside of it aids to inform us in a micro and macro way. Our paths are our own and simultaneously collective pieces of information we share. This sharing also allows in the minimizing of secluded paths. When we feel we are alone, we feel that no one feels as we do. We see our experience as isolated and thus not a part of the larger world. Understanding our connection to the larger world puts into perspective the idea of liberation as a political concept. For example, the fight for women’s rights, struggle against sodomy laws, abortion issues, the de-sexualization and sterilization of people with disabilities, transgender rights, gay liberation and the fight for comprehensive sex education in this country.

There have been many proposed suggestions for guiding principles in sexual liberation. Even within this framework, the unpacking of these terms are hugely subjective. Some guidelines may be communication, consent, boundary setting, safer sex, non-coerciveness, non-violence and self-love. Once we grasp these things for ourselves they can shift. Our lessons are not rigid. They are shift-able. We have the right to do what is fit for us. Our passage allows us to accept or reject where we stand in this path. We get to question, examine, discuss and hash out what communication is to us. We figure out how to set boundaries. We try to understand what self-love is. What does safer sex look like? How is my definition in comparison to the person/persons I want to engage with? Our work is to explore. No one has one true answer. There are many. Whether we intentionally name our journey sexual liberation or we just start walking, we are all on a path.

Sexual Liberation for all!!!






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